Scientists announce breakthrough cure for ‘chef's arse'

By Tom Tobbig
Scientists have announced a breakthrough cure for a painful complaint suffered by chefs the world over, known colloquially as ‘chef's arse'.

Chef's arse, or culus archimagi cruciabile, to give it its proper medical term, is a severe chafing of the buttocks, which can occur when working long hours in hot and sweaty environments. Although not limited to the professional kitchen, it is here that the condition most commonly occurs.

Up until now, chefs have had to rely on homespun methods such as cornflour, Vaseline, butter or even shaving to alleviate the complaint.

However, help could now be at hand if a new cure developed by Swiss medics in the De Riere Institute in Lausanne is approved.

The treatment comes in the form of a spray, which is administered shortly before a shift and forms a temporary permeable, breathable layer over the affected area. It can last for up to eight hours.

"It is like having a second bottom made of asbestos," said the lead scientist on the project, Dr Keister Sitzfleisch. "We expect 95% of all cases of chef's arse to be completely cleared up within just two days of applying this new treatment."

News of the breakthrough was welcomed in UK kitchens when The Caterer contacted chefs to ask about it. Many declined to reveal their names for fear of being identified as sufferers of the complaint, but Dave Peach, head chef of country house hotel Saws Hall in Ramsbottom said: "There are several pains in the arse in my kitchen and if this means removing just one of them, then I am all for it."

Meanwhile, Dr Sitzfleisch has no fears that his treatment will be approved for public use within the next few months, possibly before the end of 2016. "This cure is absolutely foolproof," he said. "I can honestly say that I think we have cracked it."