Table talk

I'll have mine with Janet Reger on the side

Ever-vigilant health & safety officers in Malaysia have been clamping down on street vendors after one was discovered boiling food and women's underwear in the same pot, and then selling the food. However, the knickers didn't find their way into the pot by accident or due to a Persil shortage. There is a traditional belief that boiling used underwear with meat and vegetables will increase the desire to eat. But officials are determined to eradicate such beliefs. "There is no more room for used ladies' underwear in Malaysian cooking" one official sniffed. Time to get a bigger pot.

Let's hope the menus are laminated A lot of restaurants have menus that diners have described as a load of steaming elephant manure. Michael Winner has made a living out of finding them. However, a manufacturer - or should that be manurefacturer? - in Sri Lanka is making a fortune from the paper made from recycled pachyderm poo that's being snapped up by restaurants to print their menus on. Ten kg of dung makes 600 sheets of A4, apparently.

Did anyone ask if they were leg or breast men? Staff at the 41-bedroom Winterbourne hotel in Bournemouth were surprised to have three guests with the names Edward Chicken, Donald Beak, and Gavin Bird staying at the hotel all at the same time. Some staff needed convincing that the names were genuine, but the housekeeper was disappointed that none of them requested feather pillows or settled the bill using an Egg credit card. In fact the three men were environmental health officers attending a nearby conference. Reports that they dined on worms, and danced the night away to The Birdy Song could not be confirmed as Caterer went to press.

At least she didn't want crapaud dans le trou We Brits are known for our limited linguistic talent but I suspect the growing army of multi-national waiting staff in this country is conspiring to change all that. Already we have been forced to get our tongues around tricky lingo such as "cappuccino", "caffè latte", "capricciosa", and "pasta all'amatriciana". But fresh evidence suggests that it won't end there. Why, only the other day, a colleague with an hour to kill at Stansted airport was forced to resort to schoolgirl French in a desperate bid to make her order for a mug of hot milk understood. We'll be ordering poisson et frites avec les mushy petits pois next.

They're all looking forward to death by chocolate At a recent social services conference a doctor gave a talk about his research into the eating habits of older people. He pointed out the dangers of malnutrition which care workers should look out for. He gave some reasons why the elderly might lose their appetite including loss of smell and taste, failing eyesight and, sensory specific satiety - something about saying how full you are and couldn't possibly eat another thing… until the dessert trolley arrives. He then concluded his speech by explaining the two paths of ageing. One he called "downhill all the way" and the other was called "terminal drop."